Two of Everything

All my good intentions to keep this blog up to date during pregnancy were overshadowed by pure exhaustion! We are winding down, with only about 8 weeks to go, at the most! Time has flown by and I can't believe we are this close. I am hovering between being anxious and excited for them to get here, denial that we are this close, and sheer panic. Usually it is a combination of the three.

   So far, we have been so blessed throughout this pregnancy. There have been no major issues, and I've mostly felt pretty good. Exhausted, but good. We found out we are expecting two baby boys! We are thrilled! I was so impatient to find out. At our 16 week appointment, we were so excited to find out genders... but both babies were neatly tucked away and it was impossible to tell. All we could see were the tops of heads. Before our next appointment, we were planning on going to Texas and having a shower, so I wanted to know so we could plan accordingly! (That's what I told myself, anyway...) We went to Fetal Fotos that week. At the appointment, we found Baby A immediately! We have a boy! He was kind of a little show off, really. Wherever the technician moved to look, Baby A was always trying to get in the picture. He was flip-flopping all over the place! Baby B was very shy. In the 30 minute appointment, he would not open his legs once. He must have been too sleepy or embarrassed or something. Either way, we were not finding out that night. Even though we only knew one, we were thrilled. Luckily, if they can't identify the gender, they will let you come back once for free. We went back as soon as possible. Baby A was showing off again... but thankfully Baby B showed he was a boy too! (for about 30 seconds, then promptly closed up again and went back to being our little shy guy.
    It is pretty amazing- through every ultrasound, this has been the pattern. We can already see their little personalities coming through. If they are true to what we've seen so far, Baby A will be outgoing and goofy, and Baby B will be more subdued. We love them so much already.
   I'd always thought it would be so fun to have two little boys, and I can already picture Ethan and the boys on motorcycle rides, fixing cars, gold panning, and all the other things I'm sure Ethan already has planned. :)

We had just about everyone fooled- most people thought it would be a boy and a girl.
Ethan knew best. :)

My awesome Texas shower! Thanks Lynn and M'Kaylee!

  The boys are doing great. They are growing just the way they should, and so am I. I've never been so happy to be so uncomfortable and slightly miserable. They are very active, and kicking allllllll the time. I wouldn't have it any other way. Watching them kick and trying it feel it all is like playing a game of whack-a-mole on my belly. When I feel it in one spot, it always starts in another. I can't get enough of it, although I wish they would choose other times than the middle of the night to practice their kick-boxing on each other.

This was sometime in July (I think). I haven't taken many bump pictures. They were always hard for me to see when we were struggling to get pregnant, and I just can't bring myself to do them most of the time. I had a few friends begging for a picture... so I caved. I felt huge then... You should see me now! 

   Because we are having twins, we are considered a high-risk pregnancy. I am mostly at risk for pre-term labor, but there are other things that could easily go wrong. I take it very easy, on doctor's orders, mainly to avoid the babies coming too soon. Ethan has been a gem and is so helpful, as well as my family. I feel so grateful to have so many people willing to help out when I am too tired to function or needing to rest.  My doctor told me I need to be resting whenever possible, which means I don't get nearly as much done as I'd like to. Thank you to all of you who have helped me out. It has been much needed and appreciated.

   One really nice thing about being high-risk is that we get an ultrasound just about every time we go to the doctor! I absolutely love getting to see my babies so often! After waiting so long for these babies to come, it is so nice to get to see them at every appointment. After so much heartbreak and having so many things go wrong, I need so much reassurance that it will all be ok. Those ultrasounds get me through! Here are a few recent ones.

Baby A's face. Baby A ALWAYS has his hand up by his head somewhere.

Baby A's little legs crossed at the ankles... ah!! I die! So cute.

One of those rare moments when Baby B cooperated and looked at the camera.

B's cute little arms.

These next ones are from our most recent ultrasound. Baby A has flipped around (they were both head down before) and he has his head up by B's feet. 

They were both in a weird position and it was hard to get head shots. This was the best we could do with B!

A's face. Just as hard as B. They are starting to pack on the chub though! Look at those little cheeks!

We found out they have tons of hair! They take after their daddy! It also explains my massive amounts of heartburn!

Aside from being over the moon about these babies, we've had a great summer. We've seen Ethan's family a lot! They've come here and we've gone there.

S'mores in the canyon!

At Jonathan and M'Kaylee's sealing

Such a beautiful day. I love my family!

I got to have another shower!

My family threw me a beautiful shower! 

It featured all the foods I craved during pregnancy... especially fancy drinks!

Thinking back on the summer, I feel so grateful and blessed. We have so many people who love us and are happy to help us. Ethan and I have the best friends and family, and we are so lucky. We love you all, too!

Until next time....

Our Little Miracles

I've been trying to think of how to begin this post. The past few months have been such a crazy rollercoaster ride, and trying to string two thoughts together is a bit difficult at the moment. Overall, here are the major thoughts running through my head:

WE ARE SO BLESSED.

We are pregnant! 

Not only are we pregnant, but we are pregnant with TWINS!

Now do you see the reason for my... I can't even think of a word to describe why I can't think of a word to describe how I can't use my words. 

Let me start from the beginning.

I won't share every detail because they are personal to us and probably boring to you. (Trust me, you probably don't want to know all the details.)

Many of you may know that we've struggled with infertility for almost 5 years now. It has been a long, exhausting, sad and lonely road. I still get a little bit of anxiety thinking back to my darkest times. Infertility was a completely unexpected challenge, as it is for most people. I remember thinking, "How is this really happening?" I was in denial for a long time, thinking it would just be a silly, easy fix, and then we'd be surrounded by precious babies. As months and eventually years passed, I finally started to realize it would not be an easy fix. We tried countless pills, diets... just about anything we could think of. Nothing worked.

I spent a few years in pretty terrible place. I was so emotionally drained and saddened. Living in Utah and being LDS, there is a pretty big amount of pressure to start having kids. I feel that since we started this process, people are much more aware of the things they say, and that has made it easier. But man... I used to get some crazy comments, and I couldn't believe people would say such things to my face. It took me a long time to see that I was given an opportunity to become a better person. I don't know if this is the reason that Heavenly Father gave me this trial, but it was definitely the silver lining. As I've talked about in my previous posts, I really had to learn to lean on my Savior and the gospel. I've learned so much about myself through this process and I know I've come out of it a better person. I know there will be struggles ahead, but I feel that I am better equipped to handle what comes my way.

After lots of testing and heartache, we were told that our only options for children were Invitro-fertilization or adoption. This was a huge blow. Deep down I always knew it was the next logical step, but I didn't want to face the prospect of possibly never being able to carry my own children. It was a selfish idea that I couldn't shake, and I was devastated. Both were such huge expenses that seemed impossibly out of reach. We prayed and hoped that when and if we were able to do IVF, we would have success.

After what seemed like eternity, we were finally given the opportunity to try IVF. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever physically experienced. I was pumped so full of hormones, medications, vitamins, etc, that I didn't know who I was anymore. Ethan can attest to this. I couldn't keep my emotions under control, which led to a myriad of highly embarrassing situations, including crying for no reason in front of parents at Parent Teacher Conferences. (Yep. Seriously.) I felt terrible physically. I missed work so much to go to doctor appointments that my students were convinced I was slowly dying. How do you explain that process to 5th graders? You don't. You just try to hide the crazy so they aren't afraid of you.

Just a few of the meds I got to inject/take

IVF was rough, and it didn't always go perfectly, but it is such an amazing miracle that brought us our little twins. When my nurse called me with the good news, I couldn't believe how blessed and lucky we are to have IVF work for us on the first try. I still have to pinch myself daily. I'd gotten so used to the answer no, that anything positive seems too good to be true.

Yesterday, on my birthday, we got to go in for another ultrasound. This time, they actually started to look like babies, not blobs, and we got to see them move! Seeing those little jumping beans left me feeling so elated! I haven't stopped smiling since. I know that we are SO blessed.

If I could talk to those babies now, here is what I'd tell them:

Do you know how loved you are, little ones? Your dad and I have prayed and prayed and waited and waited for you to come. We feel so lucky to be your parents. You are so teeny tiny and I already can't imagine my life without you. You have so many amazing people around you who are so excited for you to get here. We are all so happy to know that you are coming. It has been a hard, long road, but every step of the way was worth it to get you here. I love you with all of my heart!

Both little babes.
It is impossible now that they are getting bigger to get a good picture of both of them together.
That's ok. I like that they are growing. :)

Baby A. This little tyke was flipping all over when we saw them yesterday.
Such an amazing moment!

Baby B. This baby is a little more bashful- we couldn't get a great view. But look! A baby!

I'll do my best to keep things updated. Until next time...

Because He Loves Me, Part 2

Do you ever have those moments that kinda just hit you right in the face? (Not literally, I hope) Those moments where all those light bulbs click on and shine so bright, you can't understand why you haven't noticed them before. I've been having those moments lately. Some have been in a good way, and some in a bad way. Let me explain...

For the past few weeks, I've been having lightbulbs click on that illuminated some not so great things. I saw some things that I can do better. I realized a few things about me that have probably been true my whole life and are really starting to come to my attention now. And while none of these are terrible, and none of them make me a bad person, I just got hit in the face with a whole bunch of things that I can do better, and that is part of being human. Still- it isn't fun to realize those things about yourself.

Rather than focusing on those, however, let me focus on the lightbulbs that have made my world a much brighter and happier place.

I know that Heavenly Father has a plan. I know I've always said this, but maybe in the past I'd said it a little half-heartedly. I can say this with conviction now. I've always wondered why He had given me my particular set of trials at this time in my life. Looking back on my life, I can start to see how His hand guided my life in the direction it needed to go, and I fought it every step of the way. What's that saying about hind-sight? I'm not claiming to have all the answers, and part of me will always wonder what would have happened if I'd gotten things my way from the start, but deep down and I know that wasn't what was best.  I'm so much more at peace now that I was a year ago, when I wrote the first part of this blog. I thought I understood so much then.  Another year has given me even more perspective and turned on a few more lightbulbs.

Sometimes, I wish I could have known then what I know now. I regret the way I acted sometimes. I know I was a bitter, selfish person for awhile. I probably said things that I shouldn't have. I wish I'd been happier for people who told me they were going to have children. I wish I wouldn't have made such a big deal about what people said to me in reaction to the fact that we struggle with infertility. A friend of mine recently asked, "How do you handle looking at Facebook and seeing all the posts from friends about having babies and things like that? Doesn't it bother you?" A few years ago, my answer would have been, "I hate it. It drives me crazy. I wish people would be more sensitive about what they say/post/do." Now, my answer is something along the lines of, "You know, I've finally gotten to a place where I make the choice not to let those things bother me. I let those people live their lives, and I'll live mine. Sometimes it still hurts, but I don't need to be angry at them for it. It is what it is. Being negative about that stuff all the time starts to get really exhausting. (A few good friends of mine and I have turned this into our life's motto- "Just because you are given a cactus, doesn't mean you need to sit on it. It is what it is.") I'd rather just be happy for them and keep hoping and praying that someday, I'll get the answers I've been looking for."
Sometimes I wish I'd felt that way from the beginning. But I know Heavenly Father knew what he was doing. I needed to learn and grow and trust in Him. Without my doubts, I'd never have learned as much as I did. I still learn daily. It's a process, and it's ok if I'm not 100% ok all the time. That is when Heavenly Father turns on the light.

This past month or so has been a bit rough for me. I think that all teachers experience the feeling of total inadequacy. I get that feeling of, "Wow, I'm totally failing these kids. They have learned nothing, and it is my fault." Teaching is a big responsibility, and sometimes it just gets you down. I'd been having that sort of a month. I felt like I was not accomplishing anything, and I really needed to make a better effort. (One of those not-so-good-feeling light-bulbs.)
I've also been starting new fertility treatments that make me feel terrible. I know it will all be worth it, and I try not to complain, but every day I just feel terrible physically, mentally, emotionally... you name it. Fertility treatments mess with you- ALL of you. When going through these treatments, you just don't feel like yourself, and you don't feel good physically, either. This was all starting to add up and take its toll on me. I was feeling down and discouraged. Last Sunday, however, I woke up earlier than usual. I could see light shining through our bedroom window and decided to see what the sunrise looked like this morning. I went out onto our porch to this view:

The second I stepped onto my porch and saw this breathtaking sunrise, the thought immediately entered into my head, "You are loved, Sara." It was one of those really good light bulb moments. I was brought to tears because Heavenly Father knew that this is exactly what I needed- a reminder that I am loved.  That there is more to this life than my struggles. That the sun will always rise and tomorrow is a new day- a new chance to make things a little bit better. 

Sometimes the changes don't come immediately. I'm still struggling with all of those things I mentioned above. I didn't magically feel amazing, and there are some days where I am really down on myself. The difference, however, is that I feel hopeful. Another good friend reminded me recently that changes take time. It is a work in progress. It is going to be ok, and its also ok if it isn't completely ok right now. (Have I mentioned I have AMAZING people in life?!) I feel at peace knowing that I'm doing my best to be better, and that Jesus Christ will help me through it. 

I'd say the biggest thing I've learned through this trial of infertility is that I am beyond loved by so many people in my life, and most importantly by my Heavenly Father. He is aware of my needs, more so than I am. I read a quote recently that summed up how I've been feeling about this. 

"Let us commit to give a most meaningful gift to the Lord. Let us give Him our lives, our sacrifices. Those who do so will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can." 

-Ezra Taft Benson

Through this journey I've come closer to Christ than ever before, and one of the overwhelming feelings I am constantly reminded of is that He loves me. I can feel it daily, but only if I take the time to notice it. When I am truly working on bettering myself, I can feel His love so strongly. It gets me through. And while I wish we didn't have to struggle as long as we have to have children, as much as I wish that the pain and heartache would just disappear, through that heartache I have been able to feel something much more powerful. 

My Heavenly Father knows me, and He loves me.

Merry Christmas!

Remember how I've got a blog?

Yikes.

I just looked at the date of my last post, and wait, WHAT? Has it really been over a year? Well, hello world. I'm back. 

So much has changed in the past year. 

I think the biggest change is that Ethan and I bought a house! We moved into a lovely home in lovely Herriman, Utah. It has been such a wonderful thing for us. We are coming up on a year in our home- where does the time go? It is in a fantastic neighborhood. They've all been very welcoming to us. 

You can find us most summer nights on our porch. 

We still can't get enough of this view from our porch. 

I still teach 5th grade at South Jordan Elementary. Changing schools was probably the best career move I've made. I have learned so much at my new school and have made friends for life. I've had wonderful classes full of amazing kids who teach me so much. There have been ups and downs, but I could not have asked for a better place to be at this moment. There is something really special about coming back and teaching at your elementary school. :)

Ethan works hard ALWAYS. That man rarely takes a rest. He is constantly moving and needing to do something, which I very much admire about him. It is not a quality I share, and I'm often in awe of it. Where does all that energy come from? He works at Thatcher still, and builds and sells beautiful furniture after work. He's without a doubt the most talented person I know, and I often feel totally lame and out of my league. 

This year we've been able to take some fun trips- Vegas, Disneyland, Moab, to name a few. 

Moab trips with the Ormsbys/Hubers are MUCH more fun now that I'm off track in March and I can actually go. :)

We had so much fun!

Gemini Bridges in Moab. So beautiful/terrifying. 

We went to Las Vegas to watch the motocross championships.

Why did no one tell me there is now a Shake Shack in Vegas?! THIS IS IMPORTANT INFO, PEOPLE.

And, in a way only the Newmans can, we hit up Disneyland this year! I fulfilled a life-long dream of being at Disneyland during Halloween, (I know... I aim high...) and with it being the 60th anniversary this year, Disneyland did not disappoint!

Because their faces are just too good. 

Can we all just take a minute and admire this one? Well done, everyone.

Animation Studios is California Adventure's best kept secret.
Basically, I'm expecting a call to be a Disney animator any day now, no big deal.

Why don't I ever remember how much Matterhorn hurts?!

Newport Beach Temple

BYU-UCLA game.
Once upon a time, when those teams played in California in 2008,
Ethan and I both attended that game but we still hadn't met.
It's meant to be, folks. :)

And now, can you believe the Christmas season is upon us? I am off track in December and loving every minute of it. I've got more posts in mind that I've been meaning to write for awhile. Maybe now that I'm off track I'll finally get around to those. 

Until next time!

Because He loves me...

First of all, if you were looking for an update on our lives, you are going to have to wait a bit. I recently realized I hadn't posted in a long while, regardless of the many great things we have going on for us here. Blogging is still one of those things that I don't remember to do enough. Stay tuned.

I have been reflecting a lot lately on myself and where I'm at in my life- spiritually, physically, mentally, in my relationships with others, as a teacher, ALL of it. If you don't mind, I'd like to share some of that with you now. 

A lot of you may know that Ethan and I have been having a difficult 3 years. Exactly 3 years ago, in fact, we started this crazy journey of trying to have a baby. I'm not going to go into a lot of details, because this is a very personal topic and I'm sure you don't actually want to know that much about me. (I don't want to tell you that much about me, either.) I've hinted at it on Facebook and in conversations. Some of you know the whole story because sometimes I just need to get it out. It has been a long, (though not as long as others, I realize) painful journey to get to the point we are at today. No, I'm not pregnant. I probably won't be for some time, if ever. I’d like to say that I am at peace with that statement, but that would be a stretch. I can say with full confidence, however, that I am getting there.

There was about a year and half in that 3 year stretch where I was in a really bad place. You may not have noticed from the outside if you didn’t know me very well. Going through the infertility process is hard, (understatement of the year) especially when you are at a time in your life where your friends are on their second or even third kid. You are left wondering constantly what you are doing wrong. Not in the literal sense-I understand the logistics of having a baby… In the spiritual sense, I suppose. I can’t tell you how many times I have broken down and cried until there were no tears left with overwhelming feelings of unworthiness. Thoughts like, “I must not be a good enough person to deserve a kid,” or “I will probably be a terrible mother and Heavenly Father knows better than to send one of his children to me,” or “Is there something I’ve done wrong, and I can’t have a child until I make it right?” These were definitely times when my testimony wavered. I have spent a long time trying to do better, and be better, but I have found that coming back to the gospel is a lot like coming back to working out after a long period of inactivity. It is really easy to stop, and 1,000 times harder to get going again. Speaking of which, I really need to start working out again.

Anyway- fast forward. I’m doing much better. I’m so glad I had such a strong foundation for a testimony because I knew just what to do when in this situation. All the basics. Let me tell you people- it works. All of those primary answers are there for a reason. It works. And though I was doing much better at being the kind of person I want to be, there is still this feeling of unworthiness. See, even while typing this last paragraph, I keep thinking, “Oh great. I know there are going to be people reading this and totally judging me and thinking less of me because of this period in my life.” I realize that is most likely not true.

This is probably one of the biggest struggles anyone who is going through this process will feel. There is an intense pain that originates from those feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy. Unfortunately, that is also usually combined with a suffocating feeling of loneliness. Not because I’m alone- I definitely have not been- but because the only people who truly understand what you are going through are yourself and your husband. It is hard to talk to people about it, because very few relate to exactly what you are going through. In this crazy time, I had a lot of conversations that made me so angry and hurt. None of this occurred because the other person was trying to hurt me intentionally—they just didn’t know what to say.

Conversation tip #1: When you find yourself in a conversation about someone not able to have kids, don’t tell them you know how it feels. Even if you struggled with infertility yourself, each individual case is so different. Just tell them how sorry you are that they have to go through this.

Conversation tip #2: Don’t try and tell them all the things they should try. I guarantee it, they have done their research and are probably already on a path with a doctor to having kids. They know. I promise.

Conversation tip #3: Trying to make it sound like they should be grateful for the time with out kids will never go over well. If they are on this journey, it is because they want kids more than anything. Saying things like “Just be grateful, kids are such hard work and you never have time for yourself,” etc., will only make them want to punch you in the face and take your kids home with them.

Conversation tip #4: I still don’t know exactly how to accomplish this, but try not to sound patronizing. “It will happen when it is supposed to happen,” “It just must not be time for you yet,” or “It will happen when you least expect it,” are all things that shouldn’t really ever be said to someone trying to have kids. It just brings up those feelings of unworthiness all over again.

Conversation tip #5: More than anything, just try to be loving. You can do this without even talking about infertility. Just show them and tell them you love them, and you are willing to listen if they need to talk, or help take their mind off of it if that is what they need.

I hope not to offend anyone by the tips above. I know that for a lot of people, it is in our nature to try and help or solve the problem. At first, I would get so annoyed with people for trying to do it. Then I realized that I react the same way in situations I don’t know how to relate to or how to solve. It’s human nature. Know that your care and concern does mean so much. I just wanted to help you know what to say.

I bet you are regretting that you started reading this novel-sized blog post. I apologize. I just wanted to share one more thing with you before you go.

It is amazing how much perspective time can give you. At the beginning of this process, I was so hurt, confused and exhausted from trying to make it all work and solve all my problems. I felt so ashamed at having to tell people about it. I felt inadequate. I felt like less of a woman because my body does not naturally do what it was made to do- bear children. I felt as though I wasn’t cherished or blessed as much as others. All I’d ever wanted since I was a little girl was to be able to have a husband and a family. I'm so lucky to have an amazing husband. I know I'm more fortunate than a lot of people. Even though I know this, I felt like my life didn’t have as much value as others I saw around me because I wasn't able to have children. Looking back, I know that is absolutely not true. I think deep down I didn’t truly believe it either; it was more of a reaction to what was happening at the time.

During the Women’s Conference, President Uchtdorf’s entire talk was directed right at me, I’m pretty sure. It was like he was calling me out personally and reminding me that it is time to stop wallowing in self-pity. Of course I am blessed.  

In my times of sorrow, I chose not to see the amazing blessings I was given daily. I landed my dream job. My husband graduated and immediately had work. We have amazing family and friends who are constantly loving and supporting us. That is only a tiny portion of the blessings I received.

Seriously. How lucky am I to have this guy?

I receive these blessings because I am so loved. Pres. Uchtdorf then said, “He is not waiting to love you until you have overcome your weaknesses and bad habits. He loves you today with a full understanding of your struggles. He is aware that you reach up to Him in heartfelt and hopeful prayer. He knows of the times you have held on to the fading light and believed even in the midst of growing darkness. He knows of your sufferings. He knows of your remorse for the times you have fallen short and He still loves you.”

He loves me whether I can have children or not. He loves me when I make bad choices, and he loves me when I make good choices. Because he loves me, he wants me to be happy. But if I feel that having kids will make me happy, then why doesn’t he let me have them?

He then said, “I think God knows something we don’t.”

Instinctively, I know this. Reflecting on what there is to learn from this difficult time in my life, I think if nothing else, my Heavenly Father wanted to me to remember how much He loves me. During this time, after some pondering, praying, and reflection, I have felt His love stronger than ever. I’ve had to put in the work, but the work was worth it because I feel so loved. I know there is a purpose behind all of this. I know that my life still has meaning and value and that I can still bring Heavenly Father’s children back to him, though maybe not exactly in the way I thought I would.  That’s ok. The more I remember how much my Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to succeed, the less I hurt. The pain is still there, and I have days that are really hard. But I don’t have to let those days control me.

As Pres. Uchtdorf said,