Our Little Miracles

I've been trying to think of how to begin this post. The past few months have been such a crazy rollercoaster ride, and trying to string two thoughts together is a bit difficult at the moment. Overall, here are the major thoughts running through my head:

WE ARE SO BLESSED.

We are pregnant! 

Not only are we pregnant, but we are pregnant with TWINS!

Now do you see the reason for my... I can't even think of a word to describe why I can't think of a word to describe how I can't use my words. 

Let me start from the beginning.

I won't share every detail because they are personal to us and probably boring to you. (Trust me, you probably don't want to know all the details.)

Many of you may know that we've struggled with infertility for almost 5 years now. It has been a long, exhausting, sad and lonely road. I still get a little bit of anxiety thinking back to my darkest times. Infertility was a completely unexpected challenge, as it is for most people. I remember thinking, "How is this really happening?" I was in denial for a long time, thinking it would just be a silly, easy fix, and then we'd be surrounded by precious babies. As months and eventually years passed, I finally started to realize it would not be an easy fix. We tried countless pills, diets... just about anything we could think of. Nothing worked.

I spent a few years in pretty terrible place. I was so emotionally drained and saddened. Living in Utah and being LDS, there is a pretty big amount of pressure to start having kids. I feel that since we started this process, people are much more aware of the things they say, and that has made it easier. But man... I used to get some crazy comments, and I couldn't believe people would say such things to my face. It took me a long time to see that I was given an opportunity to become a better person. I don't know if this is the reason that Heavenly Father gave me this trial, but it was definitely the silver lining. As I've talked about in my previous posts, I really had to learn to lean on my Savior and the gospel. I've learned so much about myself through this process and I know I've come out of it a better person. I know there will be struggles ahead, but I feel that I am better equipped to handle what comes my way.

After lots of testing and heartache, we were told that our only options for children were Invitro-fertilization or adoption. This was a huge blow. Deep down I always knew it was the next logical step, but I didn't want to face the prospect of possibly never being able to carry my own children. It was a selfish idea that I couldn't shake, and I was devastated. Both were such huge expenses that seemed impossibly out of reach. We prayed and hoped that when and if we were able to do IVF, we would have success.

After what seemed like eternity, we were finally given the opportunity to try IVF. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever physically experienced. I was pumped so full of hormones, medications, vitamins, etc, that I didn't know who I was anymore. Ethan can attest to this. I couldn't keep my emotions under control, which led to a myriad of highly embarrassing situations, including crying for no reason in front of parents at Parent Teacher Conferences. (Yep. Seriously.) I felt terrible physically. I missed work so much to go to doctor appointments that my students were convinced I was slowly dying. How do you explain that process to 5th graders? You don't. You just try to hide the crazy so they aren't afraid of you.

Just a few of the meds I got to inject/take

IVF was rough, and it didn't always go perfectly, but it is such an amazing miracle that brought us our little twins. When my nurse called me with the good news, I couldn't believe how blessed and lucky we are to have IVF work for us on the first try. I still have to pinch myself daily. I'd gotten so used to the answer no, that anything positive seems too good to be true.

Yesterday, on my birthday, we got to go in for another ultrasound. This time, they actually started to look like babies, not blobs, and we got to see them move! Seeing those little jumping beans left me feeling so elated! I haven't stopped smiling since. I know that we are SO blessed.

If I could talk to those babies now, here is what I'd tell them:

Do you know how loved you are, little ones? Your dad and I have prayed and prayed and waited and waited for you to come. We feel so lucky to be your parents. You are so teeny tiny and I already can't imagine my life without you. You have so many amazing people around you who are so excited for you to get here. We are all so happy to know that you are coming. It has been a hard, long road, but every step of the way was worth it to get you here. I love you with all of my heart!

Both little babes.
It is impossible now that they are getting bigger to get a good picture of both of them together.
That's ok. I like that they are growing. :)

Baby A. This little tyke was flipping all over when we saw them yesterday.
Such an amazing moment!

Baby B. This baby is a little more bashful- we couldn't get a great view. But look! A baby!

I'll do my best to keep things updated. Until next time...