Two of Everything

All my good intentions to keep this blog up to date during pregnancy were overshadowed by pure exhaustion! We are winding down, with only about 8 weeks to go, at the most! Time has flown by and I can't believe we are this close. I am hovering between being anxious and excited for them to get here, denial that we are this close, and sheer panic. Usually it is a combination of the three.

   So far, we have been so blessed throughout this pregnancy. There have been no major issues, and I've mostly felt pretty good. Exhausted, but good. We found out we are expecting two baby boys! We are thrilled! I was so impatient to find out. At our 16 week appointment, we were so excited to find out genders... but both babies were neatly tucked away and it was impossible to tell. All we could see were the tops of heads. Before our next appointment, we were planning on going to Texas and having a shower, so I wanted to know so we could plan accordingly! (That's what I told myself, anyway...) We went to Fetal Fotos that week. At the appointment, we found Baby A immediately! We have a boy! He was kind of a little show off, really. Wherever the technician moved to look, Baby A was always trying to get in the picture. He was flip-flopping all over the place! Baby B was very shy. In the 30 minute appointment, he would not open his legs once. He must have been too sleepy or embarrassed or something. Either way, we were not finding out that night. Even though we only knew one, we were thrilled. Luckily, if they can't identify the gender, they will let you come back once for free. We went back as soon as possible. Baby A was showing off again... but thankfully Baby B showed he was a boy too! (for about 30 seconds, then promptly closed up again and went back to being our little shy guy.
    It is pretty amazing- through every ultrasound, this has been the pattern. We can already see their little personalities coming through. If they are true to what we've seen so far, Baby A will be outgoing and goofy, and Baby B will be more subdued. We love them so much already.
   I'd always thought it would be so fun to have two little boys, and I can already picture Ethan and the boys on motorcycle rides, fixing cars, gold panning, and all the other things I'm sure Ethan already has planned. :)

We had just about everyone fooled- most people thought it would be a boy and a girl.
Ethan knew best. :)

My awesome Texas shower! Thanks Lynn and M'Kaylee!

  The boys are doing great. They are growing just the way they should, and so am I. I've never been so happy to be so uncomfortable and slightly miserable. They are very active, and kicking allllllll the time. I wouldn't have it any other way. Watching them kick and trying it feel it all is like playing a game of whack-a-mole on my belly. When I feel it in one spot, it always starts in another. I can't get enough of it, although I wish they would choose other times than the middle of the night to practice their kick-boxing on each other.

This was sometime in July (I think). I haven't taken many bump pictures. They were always hard for me to see when we were struggling to get pregnant, and I just can't bring myself to do them most of the time. I had a few friends begging for a picture... so I caved. I felt huge then... You should see me now! 

   Because we are having twins, we are considered a high-risk pregnancy. I am mostly at risk for pre-term labor, but there are other things that could easily go wrong. I take it very easy, on doctor's orders, mainly to avoid the babies coming too soon. Ethan has been a gem and is so helpful, as well as my family. I feel so grateful to have so many people willing to help out when I am too tired to function or needing to rest.  My doctor told me I need to be resting whenever possible, which means I don't get nearly as much done as I'd like to. Thank you to all of you who have helped me out. It has been much needed and appreciated.

   One really nice thing about being high-risk is that we get an ultrasound just about every time we go to the doctor! I absolutely love getting to see my babies so often! After waiting so long for these babies to come, it is so nice to get to see them at every appointment. After so much heartbreak and having so many things go wrong, I need so much reassurance that it will all be ok. Those ultrasounds get me through! Here are a few recent ones.

Baby A's face. Baby A ALWAYS has his hand up by his head somewhere.

Baby A's little legs crossed at the ankles... ah!! I die! So cute.

One of those rare moments when Baby B cooperated and looked at the camera.

B's cute little arms.

These next ones are from our most recent ultrasound. Baby A has flipped around (they were both head down before) and he has his head up by B's feet. 

They were both in a weird position and it was hard to get head shots. This was the best we could do with B!

A's face. Just as hard as B. They are starting to pack on the chub though! Look at those little cheeks!

We found out they have tons of hair! They take after their daddy! It also explains my massive amounts of heartburn!

Aside from being over the moon about these babies, we've had a great summer. We've seen Ethan's family a lot! They've come here and we've gone there.

S'mores in the canyon!

At Jonathan and M'Kaylee's sealing

Such a beautiful day. I love my family!

I got to have another shower!

My family threw me a beautiful shower! 

It featured all the foods I craved during pregnancy... especially fancy drinks!

Thinking back on the summer, I feel so grateful and blessed. We have so many people who love us and are happy to help us. Ethan and I have the best friends and family, and we are so lucky. We love you all, too!

Until next time....

Our Little Miracles

I've been trying to think of how to begin this post. The past few months have been such a crazy rollercoaster ride, and trying to string two thoughts together is a bit difficult at the moment. Overall, here are the major thoughts running through my head:

WE ARE SO BLESSED.

We are pregnant! 

Not only are we pregnant, but we are pregnant with TWINS!

Now do you see the reason for my... I can't even think of a word to describe why I can't think of a word to describe how I can't use my words. 

Let me start from the beginning.

I won't share every detail because they are personal to us and probably boring to you. (Trust me, you probably don't want to know all the details.)

Many of you may know that we've struggled with infertility for almost 5 years now. It has been a long, exhausting, sad and lonely road. I still get a little bit of anxiety thinking back to my darkest times. Infertility was a completely unexpected challenge, as it is for most people. I remember thinking, "How is this really happening?" I was in denial for a long time, thinking it would just be a silly, easy fix, and then we'd be surrounded by precious babies. As months and eventually years passed, I finally started to realize it would not be an easy fix. We tried countless pills, diets... just about anything we could think of. Nothing worked.

I spent a few years in pretty terrible place. I was so emotionally drained and saddened. Living in Utah and being LDS, there is a pretty big amount of pressure to start having kids. I feel that since we started this process, people are much more aware of the things they say, and that has made it easier. But man... I used to get some crazy comments, and I couldn't believe people would say such things to my face. It took me a long time to see that I was given an opportunity to become a better person. I don't know if this is the reason that Heavenly Father gave me this trial, but it was definitely the silver lining. As I've talked about in my previous posts, I really had to learn to lean on my Savior and the gospel. I've learned so much about myself through this process and I know I've come out of it a better person. I know there will be struggles ahead, but I feel that I am better equipped to handle what comes my way.

After lots of testing and heartache, we were told that our only options for children were Invitro-fertilization or adoption. This was a huge blow. Deep down I always knew it was the next logical step, but I didn't want to face the prospect of possibly never being able to carry my own children. It was a selfish idea that I couldn't shake, and I was devastated. Both were such huge expenses that seemed impossibly out of reach. We prayed and hoped that when and if we were able to do IVF, we would have success.

After what seemed like eternity, we were finally given the opportunity to try IVF. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever physically experienced. I was pumped so full of hormones, medications, vitamins, etc, that I didn't know who I was anymore. Ethan can attest to this. I couldn't keep my emotions under control, which led to a myriad of highly embarrassing situations, including crying for no reason in front of parents at Parent Teacher Conferences. (Yep. Seriously.) I felt terrible physically. I missed work so much to go to doctor appointments that my students were convinced I was slowly dying. How do you explain that process to 5th graders? You don't. You just try to hide the crazy so they aren't afraid of you.

Just a few of the meds I got to inject/take

IVF was rough, and it didn't always go perfectly, but it is such an amazing miracle that brought us our little twins. When my nurse called me with the good news, I couldn't believe how blessed and lucky we are to have IVF work for us on the first try. I still have to pinch myself daily. I'd gotten so used to the answer no, that anything positive seems too good to be true.

Yesterday, on my birthday, we got to go in for another ultrasound. This time, they actually started to look like babies, not blobs, and we got to see them move! Seeing those little jumping beans left me feeling so elated! I haven't stopped smiling since. I know that we are SO blessed.

If I could talk to those babies now, here is what I'd tell them:

Do you know how loved you are, little ones? Your dad and I have prayed and prayed and waited and waited for you to come. We feel so lucky to be your parents. You are so teeny tiny and I already can't imagine my life without you. You have so many amazing people around you who are so excited for you to get here. We are all so happy to know that you are coming. It has been a hard, long road, but every step of the way was worth it to get you here. I love you with all of my heart!

Both little babes.
It is impossible now that they are getting bigger to get a good picture of both of them together.
That's ok. I like that they are growing. :)

Baby A. This little tyke was flipping all over when we saw them yesterday.
Such an amazing moment!

Baby B. This baby is a little more bashful- we couldn't get a great view. But look! A baby!

I'll do my best to keep things updated. Until next time...