Because He Loves Me, Part 2

Do you ever have those moments that kinda just hit you right in the face? (Not literally, I hope) Those moments where all those light bulbs click on and shine so bright, you can't understand why you haven't noticed them before. I've been having those moments lately. Some have been in a good way, and some in a bad way. Let me explain...

For the past few weeks, I've been having lightbulbs click on that illuminated some not so great things. I saw some things that I can do better. I realized a few things about me that have probably been true my whole life and are really starting to come to my attention now. And while none of these are terrible, and none of them make me a bad person, I just got hit in the face with a whole bunch of things that I can do better, and that is part of being human. Still- it isn't fun to realize those things about yourself.

Rather than focusing on those, however, let me focus on the lightbulbs that have made my world a much brighter and happier place.

I know that Heavenly Father has a plan. I know I've always said this, but maybe in the past I'd said it a little half-heartedly. I can say this with conviction now. I've always wondered why He had given me my particular set of trials at this time in my life. Looking back on my life, I can start to see how His hand guided my life in the direction it needed to go, and I fought it every step of the way. What's that saying about hind-sight? I'm not claiming to have all the answers, and part of me will always wonder what would have happened if I'd gotten things my way from the start, but deep down and I know that wasn't what was best.  I'm so much more at peace now that I was a year ago, when I wrote the first part of this blog. I thought I understood so much then.  Another year has given me even more perspective and turned on a few more lightbulbs.

Sometimes, I wish I could have known then what I know now. I regret the way I acted sometimes. I know I was a bitter, selfish person for awhile. I probably said things that I shouldn't have. I wish I'd been happier for people who told me they were going to have children. I wish I wouldn't have made such a big deal about what people said to me in reaction to the fact that we struggle with infertility. A friend of mine recently asked, "How do you handle looking at Facebook and seeing all the posts from friends about having babies and things like that? Doesn't it bother you?" A few years ago, my answer would have been, "I hate it. It drives me crazy. I wish people would be more sensitive about what they say/post/do." Now, my answer is something along the lines of, "You know, I've finally gotten to a place where I make the choice not to let those things bother me. I let those people live their lives, and I'll live mine. Sometimes it still hurts, but I don't need to be angry at them for it. It is what it is. Being negative about that stuff all the time starts to get really exhausting. (A few good friends of mine and I have turned this into our life's motto- "Just because you are given a cactus, doesn't mean you need to sit on it. It is what it is.") I'd rather just be happy for them and keep hoping and praying that someday, I'll get the answers I've been looking for."
Sometimes I wish I'd felt that way from the beginning. But I know Heavenly Father knew what he was doing. I needed to learn and grow and trust in Him. Without my doubts, I'd never have learned as much as I did. I still learn daily. It's a process, and it's ok if I'm not 100% ok all the time. That is when Heavenly Father turns on the light.

This past month or so has been a bit rough for me. I think that all teachers experience the feeling of total inadequacy. I get that feeling of, "Wow, I'm totally failing these kids. They have learned nothing, and it is my fault." Teaching is a big responsibility, and sometimes it just gets you down. I'd been having that sort of a month. I felt like I was not accomplishing anything, and I really needed to make a better effort. (One of those not-so-good-feeling light-bulbs.)
I've also been starting new fertility treatments that make me feel terrible. I know it will all be worth it, and I try not to complain, but every day I just feel terrible physically, mentally, emotionally... you name it. Fertility treatments mess with you- ALL of you. When going through these treatments, you just don't feel like yourself, and you don't feel good physically, either. This was all starting to add up and take its toll on me. I was feeling down and discouraged. Last Sunday, however, I woke up earlier than usual. I could see light shining through our bedroom window and decided to see what the sunrise looked like this morning. I went out onto our porch to this view:

The second I stepped onto my porch and saw this breathtaking sunrise, the thought immediately entered into my head, "You are loved, Sara." It was one of those really good light bulb moments. I was brought to tears because Heavenly Father knew that this is exactly what I needed- a reminder that I am loved.  That there is more to this life than my struggles. That the sun will always rise and tomorrow is a new day- a new chance to make things a little bit better. 

Sometimes the changes don't come immediately. I'm still struggling with all of those things I mentioned above. I didn't magically feel amazing, and there are some days where I am really down on myself. The difference, however, is that I feel hopeful. Another good friend reminded me recently that changes take time. It is a work in progress. It is going to be ok, and its also ok if it isn't completely ok right now. (Have I mentioned I have AMAZING people in life?!) I feel at peace knowing that I'm doing my best to be better, and that Jesus Christ will help me through it. 

I'd say the biggest thing I've learned through this trial of infertility is that I am beyond loved by so many people in my life, and most importantly by my Heavenly Father. He is aware of my needs, more so than I am. I read a quote recently that summed up how I've been feeling about this. 

"Let us commit to give a most meaningful gift to the Lord. Let us give Him our lives, our sacrifices. Those who do so will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can." 

-Ezra Taft Benson

Through this journey I've come closer to Christ than ever before, and one of the overwhelming feelings I am constantly reminded of is that He loves me. I can feel it daily, but only if I take the time to notice it. When I am truly working on bettering myself, I can feel His love so strongly. It gets me through. And while I wish we didn't have to struggle as long as we have to have children, as much as I wish that the pain and heartache would just disappear, through that heartache I have been able to feel something much more powerful. 

My Heavenly Father knows me, and He loves me.

Merry Christmas!