Because He Loves Me, Part 2

Do you ever have those moments that kinda just hit you right in the face? (Not literally, I hope) Those moments where all those light bulbs click on and shine so bright, you can't understand why you haven't noticed them before. I've been having those moments lately. Some have been in a good way, and some in a bad way. Let me explain...

For the past few weeks, I've been having lightbulbs click on that illuminated some not so great things. I saw some things that I can do better. I realized a few things about me that have probably been true my whole life and are really starting to come to my attention now. And while none of these are terrible, and none of them make me a bad person, I just got hit in the face with a whole bunch of things that I can do better, and that is part of being human. Still- it isn't fun to realize those things about yourself.

Rather than focusing on those, however, let me focus on the lightbulbs that have made my world a much brighter and happier place.

I know that Heavenly Father has a plan. I know I've always said this, but maybe in the past I'd said it a little half-heartedly. I can say this with conviction now. I've always wondered why He had given me my particular set of trials at this time in my life. Looking back on my life, I can start to see how His hand guided my life in the direction it needed to go, and I fought it every step of the way. What's that saying about hind-sight? I'm not claiming to have all the answers, and part of me will always wonder what would have happened if I'd gotten things my way from the start, but deep down and I know that wasn't what was best.  I'm so much more at peace now that I was a year ago, when I wrote the first part of this blog. I thought I understood so much then.  Another year has given me even more perspective and turned on a few more lightbulbs.

Sometimes, I wish I could have known then what I know now. I regret the way I acted sometimes. I know I was a bitter, selfish person for awhile. I probably said things that I shouldn't have. I wish I'd been happier for people who told me they were going to have children. I wish I wouldn't have made such a big deal about what people said to me in reaction to the fact that we struggle with infertility. A friend of mine recently asked, "How do you handle looking at Facebook and seeing all the posts from friends about having babies and things like that? Doesn't it bother you?" A few years ago, my answer would have been, "I hate it. It drives me crazy. I wish people would be more sensitive about what they say/post/do." Now, my answer is something along the lines of, "You know, I've finally gotten to a place where I make the choice not to let those things bother me. I let those people live their lives, and I'll live mine. Sometimes it still hurts, but I don't need to be angry at them for it. It is what it is. Being negative about that stuff all the time starts to get really exhausting. (A few good friends of mine and I have turned this into our life's motto- "Just because you are given a cactus, doesn't mean you need to sit on it. It is what it is.") I'd rather just be happy for them and keep hoping and praying that someday, I'll get the answers I've been looking for."
Sometimes I wish I'd felt that way from the beginning. But I know Heavenly Father knew what he was doing. I needed to learn and grow and trust in Him. Without my doubts, I'd never have learned as much as I did. I still learn daily. It's a process, and it's ok if I'm not 100% ok all the time. That is when Heavenly Father turns on the light.

This past month or so has been a bit rough for me. I think that all teachers experience the feeling of total inadequacy. I get that feeling of, "Wow, I'm totally failing these kids. They have learned nothing, and it is my fault." Teaching is a big responsibility, and sometimes it just gets you down. I'd been having that sort of a month. I felt like I was not accomplishing anything, and I really needed to make a better effort. (One of those not-so-good-feeling light-bulbs.)
I've also been starting new fertility treatments that make me feel terrible. I know it will all be worth it, and I try not to complain, but every day I just feel terrible physically, mentally, emotionally... you name it. Fertility treatments mess with you- ALL of you. When going through these treatments, you just don't feel like yourself, and you don't feel good physically, either. This was all starting to add up and take its toll on me. I was feeling down and discouraged. Last Sunday, however, I woke up earlier than usual. I could see light shining through our bedroom window and decided to see what the sunrise looked like this morning. I went out onto our porch to this view:

The second I stepped onto my porch and saw this breathtaking sunrise, the thought immediately entered into my head, "You are loved, Sara." It was one of those really good light bulb moments. I was brought to tears because Heavenly Father knew that this is exactly what I needed- a reminder that I am loved.  That there is more to this life than my struggles. That the sun will always rise and tomorrow is a new day- a new chance to make things a little bit better. 

Sometimes the changes don't come immediately. I'm still struggling with all of those things I mentioned above. I didn't magically feel amazing, and there are some days where I am really down on myself. The difference, however, is that I feel hopeful. Another good friend reminded me recently that changes take time. It is a work in progress. It is going to be ok, and its also ok if it isn't completely ok right now. (Have I mentioned I have AMAZING people in life?!) I feel at peace knowing that I'm doing my best to be better, and that Jesus Christ will help me through it. 

I'd say the biggest thing I've learned through this trial of infertility is that I am beyond loved by so many people in my life, and most importantly by my Heavenly Father. He is aware of my needs, more so than I am. I read a quote recently that summed up how I've been feeling about this. 

"Let us commit to give a most meaningful gift to the Lord. Let us give Him our lives, our sacrifices. Those who do so will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can." 

-Ezra Taft Benson

Through this journey I've come closer to Christ than ever before, and one of the overwhelming feelings I am constantly reminded of is that He loves me. I can feel it daily, but only if I take the time to notice it. When I am truly working on bettering myself, I can feel His love so strongly. It gets me through. And while I wish we didn't have to struggle as long as we have to have children, as much as I wish that the pain and heartache would just disappear, through that heartache I have been able to feel something much more powerful. 

My Heavenly Father knows me, and He loves me.

Merry Christmas!

Remember how I've got a blog?

Yikes.

I just looked at the date of my last post, and wait, WHAT? Has it really been over a year? Well, hello world. I'm back. 

So much has changed in the past year. 

I think the biggest change is that Ethan and I bought a house! We moved into a lovely home in lovely Herriman, Utah. It has been such a wonderful thing for us. We are coming up on a year in our home- where does the time go? It is in a fantastic neighborhood. They've all been very welcoming to us. 

You can find us most summer nights on our porch. 

We still can't get enough of this view from our porch. 

I still teach 5th grade at South Jordan Elementary. Changing schools was probably the best career move I've made. I have learned so much at my new school and have made friends for life. I've had wonderful classes full of amazing kids who teach me so much. There have been ups and downs, but I could not have asked for a better place to be at this moment. There is something really special about coming back and teaching at your elementary school. :)

Ethan works hard ALWAYS. That man rarely takes a rest. He is constantly moving and needing to do something, which I very much admire about him. It is not a quality I share, and I'm often in awe of it. Where does all that energy come from? He works at Thatcher still, and builds and sells beautiful furniture after work. He's without a doubt the most talented person I know, and I often feel totally lame and out of my league. 

This year we've been able to take some fun trips- Vegas, Disneyland, Moab, to name a few. 

Moab trips with the Ormsbys/Hubers are MUCH more fun now that I'm off track in March and I can actually go. :)

We had so much fun!

Gemini Bridges in Moab. So beautiful/terrifying. 

We went to Las Vegas to watch the motocross championships.

Why did no one tell me there is now a Shake Shack in Vegas?! THIS IS IMPORTANT INFO, PEOPLE.

And, in a way only the Newmans can, we hit up Disneyland this year! I fulfilled a life-long dream of being at Disneyland during Halloween, (I know... I aim high...) and with it being the 60th anniversary this year, Disneyland did not disappoint!

Because their faces are just too good. 

Can we all just take a minute and admire this one? Well done, everyone.

Animation Studios is California Adventure's best kept secret.
Basically, I'm expecting a call to be a Disney animator any day now, no big deal.

Why don't I ever remember how much Matterhorn hurts?!

Newport Beach Temple

BYU-UCLA game.
Once upon a time, when those teams played in California in 2008,
Ethan and I both attended that game but we still hadn't met.
It's meant to be, folks. :)

And now, can you believe the Christmas season is upon us? I am off track in December and loving every minute of it. I've got more posts in mind that I've been meaning to write for awhile. Maybe now that I'm off track I'll finally get around to those. 

Until next time!

Because He loves me...

First of all, if you were looking for an update on our lives, you are going to have to wait a bit. I recently realized I hadn't posted in a long while, regardless of the many great things we have going on for us here. Blogging is still one of those things that I don't remember to do enough. Stay tuned.

I have been reflecting a lot lately on myself and where I'm at in my life- spiritually, physically, mentally, in my relationships with others, as a teacher, ALL of it. If you don't mind, I'd like to share some of that with you now. 

A lot of you may know that Ethan and I have been having a difficult 3 years. Exactly 3 years ago, in fact, we started this crazy journey of trying to have a baby. I'm not going to go into a lot of details, because this is a very personal topic and I'm sure you don't actually want to know that much about me. (I don't want to tell you that much about me, either.) I've hinted at it on Facebook and in conversations. Some of you know the whole story because sometimes I just need to get it out. It has been a long, (though not as long as others, I realize) painful journey to get to the point we are at today. No, I'm not pregnant. I probably won't be for some time, if ever. I’d like to say that I am at peace with that statement, but that would be a stretch. I can say with full confidence, however, that I am getting there.

There was about a year and half in that 3 year stretch where I was in a really bad place. You may not have noticed from the outside if you didn’t know me very well. Going through the infertility process is hard, (understatement of the year) especially when you are at a time in your life where your friends are on their second or even third kid. You are left wondering constantly what you are doing wrong. Not in the literal sense-I understand the logistics of having a baby… In the spiritual sense, I suppose. I can’t tell you how many times I have broken down and cried until there were no tears left with overwhelming feelings of unworthiness. Thoughts like, “I must not be a good enough person to deserve a kid,” or “I will probably be a terrible mother and Heavenly Father knows better than to send one of his children to me,” or “Is there something I’ve done wrong, and I can’t have a child until I make it right?” These were definitely times when my testimony wavered. I have spent a long time trying to do better, and be better, but I have found that coming back to the gospel is a lot like coming back to working out after a long period of inactivity. It is really easy to stop, and 1,000 times harder to get going again. Speaking of which, I really need to start working out again.

Anyway- fast forward. I’m doing much better. I’m so glad I had such a strong foundation for a testimony because I knew just what to do when in this situation. All the basics. Let me tell you people- it works. All of those primary answers are there for a reason. It works. And though I was doing much better at being the kind of person I want to be, there is still this feeling of unworthiness. See, even while typing this last paragraph, I keep thinking, “Oh great. I know there are going to be people reading this and totally judging me and thinking less of me because of this period in my life.” I realize that is most likely not true.

This is probably one of the biggest struggles anyone who is going through this process will feel. There is an intense pain that originates from those feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy. Unfortunately, that is also usually combined with a suffocating feeling of loneliness. Not because I’m alone- I definitely have not been- but because the only people who truly understand what you are going through are yourself and your husband. It is hard to talk to people about it, because very few relate to exactly what you are going through. In this crazy time, I had a lot of conversations that made me so angry and hurt. None of this occurred because the other person was trying to hurt me intentionally—they just didn’t know what to say.

Conversation tip #1: When you find yourself in a conversation about someone not able to have kids, don’t tell them you know how it feels. Even if you struggled with infertility yourself, each individual case is so different. Just tell them how sorry you are that they have to go through this.

Conversation tip #2: Don’t try and tell them all the things they should try. I guarantee it, they have done their research and are probably already on a path with a doctor to having kids. They know. I promise.

Conversation tip #3: Trying to make it sound like they should be grateful for the time with out kids will never go over well. If they are on this journey, it is because they want kids more than anything. Saying things like “Just be grateful, kids are such hard work and you never have time for yourself,” etc., will only make them want to punch you in the face and take your kids home with them.

Conversation tip #4: I still don’t know exactly how to accomplish this, but try not to sound patronizing. “It will happen when it is supposed to happen,” “It just must not be time for you yet,” or “It will happen when you least expect it,” are all things that shouldn’t really ever be said to someone trying to have kids. It just brings up those feelings of unworthiness all over again.

Conversation tip #5: More than anything, just try to be loving. You can do this without even talking about infertility. Just show them and tell them you love them, and you are willing to listen if they need to talk, or help take their mind off of it if that is what they need.

I hope not to offend anyone by the tips above. I know that for a lot of people, it is in our nature to try and help or solve the problem. At first, I would get so annoyed with people for trying to do it. Then I realized that I react the same way in situations I don’t know how to relate to or how to solve. It’s human nature. Know that your care and concern does mean so much. I just wanted to help you know what to say.

I bet you are regretting that you started reading this novel-sized blog post. I apologize. I just wanted to share one more thing with you before you go.

It is amazing how much perspective time can give you. At the beginning of this process, I was so hurt, confused and exhausted from trying to make it all work and solve all my problems. I felt so ashamed at having to tell people about it. I felt inadequate. I felt like less of a woman because my body does not naturally do what it was made to do- bear children. I felt as though I wasn’t cherished or blessed as much as others. All I’d ever wanted since I was a little girl was to be able to have a husband and a family. I'm so lucky to have an amazing husband. I know I'm more fortunate than a lot of people. Even though I know this, I felt like my life didn’t have as much value as others I saw around me because I wasn't able to have children. Looking back, I know that is absolutely not true. I think deep down I didn’t truly believe it either; it was more of a reaction to what was happening at the time.

During the Women’s Conference, President Uchtdorf’s entire talk was directed right at me, I’m pretty sure. It was like he was calling me out personally and reminding me that it is time to stop wallowing in self-pity. Of course I am blessed.  

In my times of sorrow, I chose not to see the amazing blessings I was given daily. I landed my dream job. My husband graduated and immediately had work. We have amazing family and friends who are constantly loving and supporting us. That is only a tiny portion of the blessings I received.

Seriously. How lucky am I to have this guy?

I receive these blessings because I am so loved. Pres. Uchtdorf then said, “He is not waiting to love you until you have overcome your weaknesses and bad habits. He loves you today with a full understanding of your struggles. He is aware that you reach up to Him in heartfelt and hopeful prayer. He knows of the times you have held on to the fading light and believed even in the midst of growing darkness. He knows of your sufferings. He knows of your remorse for the times you have fallen short and He still loves you.”

He loves me whether I can have children or not. He loves me when I make bad choices, and he loves me when I make good choices. Because he loves me, he wants me to be happy. But if I feel that having kids will make me happy, then why doesn’t he let me have them?

He then said, “I think God knows something we don’t.”

Instinctively, I know this. Reflecting on what there is to learn from this difficult time in my life, I think if nothing else, my Heavenly Father wanted to me to remember how much He loves me. During this time, after some pondering, praying, and reflection, I have felt His love stronger than ever. I’ve had to put in the work, but the work was worth it because I feel so loved. I know there is a purpose behind all of this. I know that my life still has meaning and value and that I can still bring Heavenly Father’s children back to him, though maybe not exactly in the way I thought I would.  That’s ok. The more I remember how much my Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to succeed, the less I hurt. The pain is still there, and I have days that are really hard. But I don’t have to let those days control me.

As Pres. Uchtdorf said, 

Hello, 2014.

Someday I'll get the hang of consistent blog posting. Someday I might have more exciting things to talk about. I should give myself more credit, I suppose. Things happen in our lives, but seeing as there are no major life events happening, it's easy for me to assume that you don't actually want to read about it. I realize this isn't true for all of you. So thanks for reading. We feel loved. :) 

School has been so busy for me lately. We have had three field trips and the science fair in the past month, not to mention holiday parties, cramming for state tests, and upcoming parent teacher conferences! Yikes. I've been tired and cranky lately, and I'm sure my kids are wondering what happened to their nice Mrs. Ormsby. Don't worry, kiddos. I'll be back soon, I just need some sleep. 

 Since the new year, we have done some fun things! We were feeling very adventurous in January, and we went with some of the fam to the ice castles in Midway. It is pretty unbelievable, and an experience I'd recommend to anyone! You will probably have to wait till next year, though, now that the weather is THANKFULLY getting much warmer! 

I wish I'd have taken more pictures but my camera died. :(

We spent a fun Saturday cleaning up Grandpa Stocking's house before it is torn down. And by cleaning, I mean Ethan and I were actually just taking wood and doors from the barn for cool reclaimed wood projects. I'm sure Grandpa would be glad to know a piece of him will live on with us, and it is cool to think that the things Ethan makes will have that added personal touch and story behind it. 

Ethan climbed in the awesome old tree.

We called this look "farmhouse gangsta."

It was freezing and raining and muddy and fun.

Ethan's graduation is coming up in April. We are so excited! We are also excited to see Ethan's family, and we are hoping that this goober can come:

Because as much as we love face timing her, we would way rather see this face in person. 

When we aren't doing all these fun things, we are usually just hanging out at home, Ethan works on projects, I crossfit, and generally just a lot of hanging out with the family! We wouldn't have it any other way, though. Otherwise, we wouldn't get priceless moments like this:

What a goof.

Also, we are so excited for these two lovebirds!! 

Congrats Chelsie and Mike! We are all so happy for you both! Can't wait to start help planning an August wedding!

Before I sign out, I just want to shout out to my amazing friend Danielle. On her own blog, she decided to do a whole week of posts about positive body image. I was lucky enough to be able to guest post there and share my thoughts as a teacher. Thanks for letting me share my insight Danielle! I love the messages you are promoting on your blog! 

Here is the link, and be sure to check out all the inspirational posts!

http://www.thegirlfriendletters.blogspot.com/2014/02/guest-post-sara-ormsby.html

Thanks for stopping by! 

Busy!

This has been such a busy time for us!! We barely see each other, and usually when we are finally home we are sleeping like rocks. 

Ethan currently works two jobs and goes to school. He is a TA for a welding lab and also works for Thatcher still. He spends hours grading papers too, so we can feel bad for each other about that. 

I'm still trying to navigate this first year of teaching, and I would like to think that it has been successful so far. I love my class! They have so much energy and imagination. We have lots of fun together. We learn things too. No worries. 

I just survived parent teacher conferences. Let me just say I could really do without those. They are not my favorite. They went well though, and I feel lucky to mostly have good parents who really care about their kids and support them and me. 

Can you believe it is the holiday season?! I have been so busy between work, church, finding time to spend with Ethan and keep in shape that I have let time fly by. I haven't been that excited for Christmas this year, and I couldn't figure out why. I came to the conclusion today that it is because I've been so busy and focused on other things, I can't even spare a moment to think about something exciting like the holidays. It reminded me of a quote I love. 

"If you are farther away from God today than you were yesterday, who moved?" 

I really am going to try this holiday season to make time to remember those things that are so important. Things like fun family time, and the amazing fact that my Savior lives and loves me. 

Let the holidays begin! 

School Days.... and Nights....

Looks like I made it through the first 2 weeks of school!
I am so tired.
SO. TIRED.
But seriously, I'm exhausted.
It's worth it, though. It is beyond rewarding to be able to call a classroom my own and do my own thing. I don't have to rely on another mentor teacher to tell me what she wants me to teach. I get to decide on my own! This is overwhelming at times but so much better. It feels like I have been working non-stop. I work at school and then when I get home until I go to bed. I know it will get easier. I hope so, anyway. I have been slowly catching up a little at a time and my plan is to get ahead, so I can leave (most of) my work at home.

This year I have a class of 26 very chatty 5th graders. :) I am glad to say this is really the biggest problem I have with them- there are a lot of other problems I would not want to deal with. They are a sweet bunch of kids, and we have so much fun together. They get along with each other and I can truly say I have grown to love them all! This will be a fun year. I have so much work ahead of me this year, but I know that I will enjoy it because my kids make it all worth it!

Here are a few pictures of my classroom:

Thanks to all of you who have helped me get through these past few weeks. This has been the most challenging experience I've faced so far, and it really means so much to me to have your support. Thanks to all the people who brought me Dr. Pepper and chocolate when I needed it, who stapled bulletin boards endlessly, and who sent encouraging notes and texts! Thank you!

Ethan started school this week as well. He will be very busy this semester between school and work every day. This is his last year, and we are very excited to be in the home stretch!
We will keep you updated, as soon as we have any time. :)

As of late...

Summer is winding down quickly. This is my last full free week before contract days start next week, and I wish I could say I'd done something more productive and fun with my time but I just didn't. I'm alright with it though. Lazy days will be few and far between once school starts on the 26th. Every day I realize just how close that date is and get a bit more freaked out!! Oh well. I know things will turn out fine and I'm ready for the anticipation to end so I can just get into the swing of things.

Last week, we were so lucky to have all of Ethan's family in Utah. This rarely happens, as most of them live in Texas and it really can be an inconvenient journey at times. Ethan's sister and her husband blessed their new baby, Neil, and the whole family got to come for a vacation!
We were crazy busy, and we had so much fun. We saw Temple Square, made numerous trips to Park City and the surrounding area, went to Vernal, ate lots of food and sweets, and had some quality family time. Ethan and I love having his family come to stay and see our lives and what is going on here. It is very different from Texas, so we like sharing our lives and Utah with them.

While they were here, we had some family pictures taken! They turned out really well!

Best in-laws a girl could ask for!

This one of our nieces and nephews melts my heart! Love it.

Love this one in black and white.

 As always, we were so sad to see them go. Texas and Utah need to be closer together so these visits can happen more often!

Now, we are just getting ready for back to school madness! Don't be offended if over the next few months I seem distracted or absent. I know I will be both as I navigate my way through this crazy first year of teaching. I am getting more and more excited, and I'll post more (with pics) as I start to set things up!